Kopiholiks Anonimus

Ang sarap talaga ng kape. Adik ako sa kape. Ewan ko kung bakit, kahit na kumukulo o nagyeyelong kape, ok lang basta kape.

Iba-ibang klaseng kape na ang na-try ko. Nasubukan ko na dati yung kapeng barako nung pumunta kami sa batangas. Swabe. Swabe sa pait. Grabe. Hindi ko alam kung san ko ilalabas yung kapeng yun nung nainom ko. Pero dahil kaharap ko pa yung nagbigay, pikit-mata kong nilunok ang swabe sa pait na kape. Ang totoo, nagustuhan ko yung after-taste kaya uminom pa rin ako. Tapos unti-unti kong naramdaman na nagising lahat ng cells ko sa buong katawan. Teka, natutulog ba ang cells, di ata. Basta hyper ako pagkainom ko.

Bata pa lang ako, umiinom na ako ng kape. As far as I can remember, 5 or 6 years old pa lang ako, coffee addict na ako. Pero instant coffee ha. Ang trip ko nun, sinasabaw ko yung kape sa kanin, yung tipong nalulunod na bawat butil ng kanin sa pinggan ko. Tapos kahit anong ulam masarap para sa akin basta kape ang sabaw. Ganun ako ka-addict. Morning pa lang, kape na ang sabaw ko sa kanin kaya hyper ako sa school.

Nung college na ko, lalo kong napatunayan na kailangan ko talaga ng kape. Tuwing gabi pag-nag-aaral ako, kakambal na ng libro ko ang kape. Tapos sinasabayan ko pa ng red bull pag tipong kasing kapal ng 25 volumes ng Grolier's Encyclopedia ang kailangan kong basahin.

Nung nasa Baguio ako, syempre kape pa rin. Pag malamig ang panahon at may mga fog kang nakikita, masarap talaga humigop ng mainit na kape. Naalala ko tuloy nung sobrang lamig sa Baguio at nanginginig talaga ang kamay ko, bumili ako ng kape sa Burger Machine sa Burnham Park at sa sobrang panginginig eh natapunan ng sobrang init na kape yung kamay ko. Pero swabe pa rin, hindi na ako gininaw pagkatapos nun. Hehehe.

Tapos meron ding mga 3-in-1. Yung tipong i-ready mo lang yung mainit na tubig tapos ibuhos mo na yung isang sachet. Tapos na. May kape ka na. Merong brewed coffee. Decaf at kung anu-ano pa.

Hindi mawawala ang mga sosyalang coffeeshop. Dati, takot na takot akong pumasok sa Starbucks. Yung tipong pag hinila mo ako eh hindi talaga ako papasok. Bigla akong magkaka-diarrhea, bigla akong mahihilo, bigla akong magsusuka, bigla akong mahihimatay...basta kahit anong dahilan na maisip ko. Aside from the fact na iba ang tingin ko dati sa mga pumapasok dun, ang totoo at numero uno kong dahilan...hindi ko alam kung pano umorder. Oo nakakatawa pero yun ang totoo. Aminin nyo man o hindi, dumaan din kayo sa stage na yan. Ikaw ba naman, kape lang ang kailangan mo, may kung-anu-ano pang decaf-half caf, 2% milk, non-fat low-fat milk, hot o extra hot, short-tall-grande-venti, latte-macchiato-espresso-white mocha, whipped cream, steamed milk, frappucino, ristretto, flavor syrup, soy, eggnog, extra foam, 140 degrees, extra ice-light ice, upside down, double blended at kung anu-ano pa. Anak naman ng barista oo, kape lang ang kailangan ko, bakit may ganung effect pa di ba? Tapos pag umorder ka, iaa-announce sa lahat ng sulok ng coffeeshop na yun ang pangalan mo. One tall hot caramel macchiato for APPPPPPPPPLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeEEEEEeeeeEEEEEeeeEEE!!!! Eh pano kung sinusuka mo na yung pangalan mo tapos isisigaw pa di ba?

Buti na lang. Buti na lang ako yung tipo ng tao na hindi takot mapahiya. Sabi ko, sige oorder ako, pakialam ba nila kung mali ang pag-order ko at mali pronunciation ko. Hindi naman nila ako kilala. Tsaka naisip ko, kelan pa ako papasok sa Starbucks??? Pag 95 years old na ko?? Kaya ayun go ako. Buti na lang hindi ako nagkamali. Swabe ang pag-order ko. Smooth na smooth. At isa ko pang na-discover, masarap pala ang kape nila. Ayun, pabalik-balik na ako hanggang ngayon. Kahit mag-isa ako, pumupunta ako. Dati napag-tripan ko mag-experiment ng kape, kung anu-ano ang sinabi ko sa barista, ginawa naman nya... ayun binigay sa akin. Anak ulit ng barista oo, amoy surot yung kape ko! Nalimutan ko yung mixture pero amoy surot talaga sya!

Tapos masaya din makinig pag tinatawag ng barista yung mga pangalan. May iba kasi meron na silang Coffee Name, hindi nila totoong pangalan, ginagamit lang nila sa Starbucks. May narinig ako dati, "One tall....for Jun-Jun!" Eh walang lumalapit, inulit-ulit nung barista, "Jun-Jun?...Jun-Jun??? Jun-Jun!!! JUN-JUN!!!!" Tawa ako ng tawa. May isa pa.. "One hot....for LIFE!" Parang sa radyo lang no. Kung anu-anong pangalan..Luzviminda, Baby (pero matanda ang lumapit), Cherie Pie, Frap-Frap (Pano kung Mocha Frap inorder nya). Natatawa din yung mga foreigners na andun kasi naririnig nila mga common names ng pinoy.

Humahaba na ang listahan ko ng masasarap na kape/kapihan. Gusto ko din sa Gloria Jean's, Figaro, Seattle's Best, CBTL. May isa pa kong gustong puntahan. Sa may Tomas Morato, KOPIROTI. Balita ko masarap yung kape dun tsaka yung tinatawag nilang Kopi Bun. Mas ok kasi hindi daw ganun kamahal. Balitaan ko kayo pag nahirapan akong umorder dito.

Kung may alam pa kayong masarap na kapihan, malaya kayong makakapagbigay ng komento dyan sa ibaba. Dyan lang. Scroll mo pababa. :-P

Lorimer

Just like a movie, we watch it, not knowing what will happen in the end. Life as they say is unfair. A lot of us have experienced and attested to that known fact. Sometimes what we thought was all-good and permanent will soon become the opposite.. Having worked in a hospital, I've seen sufferings, life and death. No matter how I avoid not to get affected, I do, deep in my heart have always wished that I had the power to change their lives. Make things easy for them. Ease away their sufferings. Turn their lives 360 degrees. Take all their pain away.

How much more when something like this happens to a friend?

One of the saddest days of my life was last Thursday. It was when we found out that a friend/officemate is in the hospital. We went there entirely clueless as to what we will see. We were all positive. Thinking that he will still be able to eat the fruits we brought for him. Thinking that there's still a photo opportunity with him, all of us smiling. Thinking that he will talk to us about what happened. Thinking that he will smile as soon as he sees us.

But none of what we thought had happened.

All I saw was not the jolly, sweet, wacky friend that I had. What I saw was a very weak and unresponsive person. Hanging on to a respirator. Not being able to lift even one single muscle in his body. He couldn't talk. He couldn't even open his eyes. Bed-ridden.

It was one of those moments when I felt I could cry rivers of tears. In just a short span of time, the illness swallowed him up like a monster. Guillain-Barre Syndrome is a very rare disorder. I don't know how he got it. Why, of all people, someone like him who is very much needed by his family was afflicted with this disease? It was again one of those times when I wished that what he feels will be transferred to me. I could take everything just not to see someone I love suffering that way.

Memories flashback like scenes from a movie. The time when we sat beside each other while working. He once told me everything about his family. His hurts. His hopes. Times when we both scampered for a vacant bed at our sleeping quarters in the office. If only one bed is available, we will sleep side by side. The time when he had a foot sprain and we both rendered overtime. He was limping and I was assisting him and I made sure that he rode a taxi on his way home. The time when he texted me the plate number of the car he was riding because he wasn't sure if he is safe with the company he is with. The numerous times that he texted me good morning, afternoon and evening. I couldn't count how many messages he has sent me. I know I only replied for a few times. He is my favorite subject everytime I take pictures. Times when I was harassing him *smiles*, for him to be a straight man. The time when he laughed uncontrollably when he saw something unexpected when I was goofing around and trying to look pregnant. Lots of memories. Lots of good memories.

I still wish it will happen again. I'm calling all the angels to help him now. I still wish he will be able to read this when he gets well. I will keep my fingers crossed, til cobwebs surround it, just to make sure he will survive. I still wish time will come that I'll be able to tell him that I'm glad I met him and I appreciate that I have a friend like him in my life....and for him to be able to hear those words.

God is good all the time. I know everything will be fine. =)

His Friendster shoutout:

"I want people to know me not as someone who is good, nice, or anything that is superficial, but someone who was willing to set aside his own self for the sake of others...let's talk, I'm here to listen to you.."

Gingerbread, Gingerbread, Gingerbread Rock

It's been a looonnngggg day. Had my MRI this morning and never thought it was really a pain in the ass. I meant that literally. As you guys know, MRI is this long cylindrical tube where you will be placed in supine position. It was ok, except that you are not allowed to move...at all. I did that for a gruelling 2 hours!!! arrrrggghhhh...but I have to do it for my own good. I felt I'm gonna have pressure sores on my butt! They gave me headphones so I wouldn't hear the noise (but I can still hear it). It was soooo noisy I felt I'm in a construction site or something. There was a drilling noise, all the noise that you can imagine! It also feels like there's an army squad continuously firing at my back, the vibration was really annoying. MRI doesn't have radiation, it uses magnets to bring out 2d images of my internal organs etc. Back to the headphones, I almost laughed when I heard the first song. It was Butterfly by Mariah Carey. Hahahaha.. followed by Love's Grown Deep (somewhere back in time...you became a friend of mine...ahihihi) and then followed by Cry by Mandy Moore and tons of love songs after that. I would prefer listening to rock if I'll undergo the same process again. It was funny hearing lovesongs amidst the noise and to think that I'm inside this tube. Good thing I'm not claustrophobic. Mind you, it feels like you're inside a coffin. But I had fun. Haha.. I almost fell asleep but I had to wake myself up. The noise suddenly became lullaby to my ears. They also placed this soft rubber on my left hand which they call the "Panic Button" that I can squeeze to alert them if in case I encounter a problem while undergoing MRI.

Kudos to my uber cutie nurse and doctor, they assisted me well enough. I was briefed twice about what MRI is all about, very courteous and they really know what they're doing. Hats off to the staff from Medical City. Two injections for this week. Waahhhh... They also had this thing called contrast so before the process, they already inserted a needle in the dorsal part of my right hand. They just injected the dye in the middle of the process. This is to distinguish if my nerves are affected. I was high for a while haha. Don't believe me. :P

I had my lunch there, I was so dead hungry hehe. Because I had to fast for 4 hours before the exam and my last meal was yesterday. So I devoured my Max's Spring Chicken Meal! Weee... It was like water in the desert. Good thing they have restos inside the hospital itself (cool..).

And then I went back to my doctor. After that I went to Shang to pay for my bills and some bank transactions. Met up with Fern, we went to this cool music store called TMV where you won't see any CDs around, instead, you'll see touch screen monitors and all the music's in there, you can just browse through and listen to it and once you find the CD or CDs of your choice, you can put it in your cart on the same screen! Once you're done, you can just go to the counter and your CD/CDs are ready =) Talk about coolness. No need to worry about shoplifters and whatnot.

Me



Fern



enjoying the music!

We also had coffee @ Starbucks (yippeeee!!! my stub's almost filled up, i'm gonna get the journal anytime soon!) And she treated me with this yummy Gingerbread cookie.. Gaaaadddd...it tastes like paper! a thick paper! I should have eaten a balikbayan box! haha.. but of course, it's still the most delicious cookie I've ever tasted coz aside from the fact that it's free, it came from my Gingerbread angel hehe.. I'm eating it now... reminds me of the movie Shrek :P

And here's the Gingerbread man's photo op with my Shrek buddies! Forgive me for including my favorite MOO milk glass.

So...that's it. Just watch out for my MRI playlist. :teehee:

She's one in 5 billion =)

Ola! Need your prayers this time, I'll be undegoing MRI this thursday, just call on your angels and voodoo dolls that I'll be fine. =) Personal matters aside, I'd rather focus on the brighter side of things now. No more bitterness. No more hurts or pains. I won't talk about the details now, I'll keep you posted for my hospital pictures hehe.. No comments, no personal messages please. Just pray for me silently.

I want to tell the world that I'm glad I have met an angel last April 2005. This angel who hails from Bulacan was there when an allergy attack almost caused my life. She was always there whenever my little stomach creatures are asking for food and I need someone who will binge with me. She was still there when I had my most recent hospital visit. For you Jinggay, you're one in 5 billion. =)

I've always been thankful that I have been surrounded with angels all through my life. They already know who they are. They are the people that I trust to share everything about me and of course, you guys wouldn't be in my contacts here in Multiply if I don't consider you as one. =)

As they say, bad people live a longer life... I know I'll be fine. :-p

Smile Again

"I'd rather have someone who I seldom see but loves me and keeps me in his heart from afar than have someone who comes home to me and is always with me, day in and day out, but I'm not in or anywhere around near his heart".

Endless nights
I'd play solitaire
Imagining that you were here
One night flights
Such heartless affairs
They froze the hopes of love in me
You suddenly appeared
Melted all my fears
Filled me with the love I need

You make me smile again
Like a child of three
And I believe it will turn out right baby
Oh you make me smile again
Hold me in your arms
Oh love, my love

Heart to heart
Our souls intertwine
Make love and float away with me
Twins of flame
A love so divine
I want to spend my life around you
Now, now I have the strength
Now I have the hopes
You give me all I need

To make me smile again
Like a child of three
And I believe it will work out right
Oh you make me smile again
Hold me in your arms
Oh love, my love

You make me smile again
Like a child of three
Oh I believe we'll live a dream for two
Oh you make me smile again
Hold me in your arms
Oh love, my love

Set You Free

"Leaving a love you've suddenly outgrown can be heartbreaking, but it also shows you're strong enough to walk away from a relationship that no longer makes you happy... Moving out of your comfort zone can be downright scary, but it also proves just how brave you are to take on the unknown... Stronger, braver, wiser... You always do a little growing up everytime you do a little letting go".

We often fool ourselves
And say that it's love only
Cause when it's gone
We end up being lonely

So how are we to know
That it just wasn't so
That we just have to let each other go

There were many times
When we shared precious moments
But later realized
they were only stolen moments

So how are we to know
That it just wasn't so
That we just have to let each other go

If loving you is all that means to me
Then being happy is all I hope you'll be
Then loving you must mean
I really have to set you free

Each day we meet my love for you
Keeps growing stronger
But everytime we meet
Makes leaving you so much harder

So how are we to know
That it just wasn't so
That we just have to let each other go

If loving you is all that means to me
Then being happy is all I hope you'll be
Then loving you must mean
I really have to set you free

Letting go is not an easy task
When smiling feels like
I must wear this lonely mask

It hurts deep inside
And I just cannot hide
There is anguish at the thought
That we should have to part

If loving you is all that means to me
Then being happy is all I hope you'll be
Then loving you must mean
I really have to set you free

Loving you is all that means to me
Then being happy is all I hope you'll be
Then loving you must mean
I really have to set you free

You Are What You Post

“A man who is master of himself can end a sorrow as easily as he can invent a pleasure. I don’t want to be at the mercy of my emotions. I want to use them, to enjoy them, and to dominate them.”

- Oscar Wilde

I really don't have plans of writing about this but when I got home, I received messages from people who's asking about my site. I had to do this. I have to defend myself in my own little way.

I decided to start blogging because I wanted to share a part of me with the world. My views. My feelings. My life. I find it heart-warming when I get comments or private messages acknowledging and thanking me for writing because in one way or another, it served as an inspiration for them.

Now I realized that the internet can be abused to the extent that one can be humiliated. Just recently, someone who doesn't even belong to my friend list left a comment and reacted to the blog I wrote. Funny thing is, I was not even referring to her as the stalker. I was not even referring to her as the storyteller. I was shocked at the reaction because it was waaaaayyyyy down below the belt. I was fuming mad. But I have my senses and values intact. That person reacted to the parts of the blog which was not even about her. She should have asked for clarification before she reacted. What I'm thinking now is why she reacted? Was it because it is the truth? Because of her reaction, I realized, hey, maybe she's right. I felt I was being stalked the minute I changed my multiply site. It was papooster before and I changed it to papoo because I was noticing her constant presence in my viewing history. You guessed it right. She found my new site. And I constantly see her. Yes, she remained silent. She silently watched me. Everything I write and post. She's always the first person to check it. She views my Friendster site. Sends me text messages. Tries to add my Yahoo handle and even left offline messages there. That is plain harassment. I have blocked her but she created another ID just to view me and leave a comment that was uncalled for. If that is not what you call stalking, then I don't know what it is. Leaving an inappropriate comment is not cool. God created private messaging. Use it. Put it to good use.

One of my friends saw it, I even protected her and told my friend, it was left by mistake. Because if I'll tell the truth, she will definitely regret the day she left that comment.

One thing, this person feels that she was harassed by my friends. There's a big difference between the words "friend" and "friends". She knows very well that only one person went online that time. She knows very well that she was the one who made the move to chat and sent the first message. How can that be harassment? Harassment as defined, is to disturb persistently; torment, as with troubles or cares; bother continually; pester; persecute. To irritate or torment persistently. She did not receive text messages from any of my friends. My friends do not check her Friendster account and my friends are not checking her multiply site. My friends do not exhaust any resources just to find her. Harassment is when you are avoiding someone and yet this person keeps on sending you messages, checks everything about you and retaliates negatively. I wish she will put herself in my shoes, so that she would know how it feels to be harassed. We need to get the facts straightened this time.

Too sad, I can no longer share my views and memories with the world because of this person. I have set everything to private. Only to people who has enough breeding. You are what you post. Whatever comment you leave is a reflection of what you really are as a person. This is the first time I have encountered a person with this character. I once checked her site and to my surprise, she posted blogs and she's laughing like an evil witch. She was like a child who bullies another kid. If she doesn't understand this, try reading your comment from my point of view. I have forever erased her site from my memory. I still want to believe she is a woman of character, a woman with breeding, diplomacy and respect. I hope I'm not wrong in believing. I hope she made a mistake. I still want to see the good in her.

Whatever she's done to me, I have forgiven her. I am a person of absolute control and I do not let my emotions rule me. If I am mad or upset, I think a million times before I blurt out words or do anything. For me, doing such thing is senseless. A complete waste of time. I got offended with what she said. I am not a perfect person and I truly admit that. If she was hurt in anyway, I bow down and I can say I'm sorry. That's how I deal with situations like this. I was raised as a woman who treats other people with respect. Harm was done. I still respect her as a person. She never heard anything from me till now. I'm dealing with this with peace in my heart. When a dog barks at me, I don't bark at the dog. I just keep still. Treating a situation with diplomacy is the most proper thing to do. If she attempted to be nice to me, I would have even gave in to what she wants. But I was not treated that way, so giving in is no longer an option. If she only tried to be diplomatic and mature about everything; no name-calling, no evil laughters, no uncalled-for comments, I would have extended my friendship to her. If I lose the battle, I will be alright. I'm not here to compete. I will not go as far as humiliating someone just for that because I know how to accept things..how to respect people...this is the reason why I did not even attempt to post her name here even if she did the opposite. If I wanted to get even, I can post her name here because she did that to me. But doing that did not even cross my mind. When I saw my name on her site, I know in that instant that she doesn't respect me as a person. I know how to accept criticisms. I can be accused anything, you can call me names but you will never ever be able to provoke me to get mad and retaliate negatively. I am mature enough not to do that.

She can react to this silently. No matter what she posts on her blog is okay with me because I will not view it. I will avoid things that may offend me. Text messages? I will delete it as soon as I see her number. I'm doing this because that's how it should be. That's how a lady should act. Avoid confrontations. Avoid arguments. I hate wasting my time.

Someone who is not on my friend list, even sent me a message because he/she is looking for the blog I wrote. Too bad, it's now only available for my contacts. Too bad, this person made me do that. It was an effort to manually set my 84 blogs to private, as well as the other content on my site that I have set to private and removed the option to leave a comment.

I have said my piece and it feels good to release this negative energy. I do not care to know what her reactions will be. Be it positive or negative, she has the right to react. However, if she cannot respect me for my actions, I do sincerely hope that she will respect me as a person. Anyways, I won't be viewing any messages coming from her.

It is now not a question who is loved or not, whether the decision was right or wrong, who should leave who, who should hold on and who should not, who wins and who is defeated. It is now about character, breeding, diplomacy and respect.

Now, I'll just end everything with a smile... and yes to world peace. =)

Damned if you do. Damned if you don't.

A lot of people do not choose their own happiness.

Try to think about two people testing a dog's obedience. The first person brought dogfood. The second one didn't bring anything. The dog will normally choose the one with the food. But it doesn't mean that the dog will go with this person. This dog will still choose the second person whom this animal feels more comfortable with. You still do not understand? Try thinking like a prisoner. A prisoner stays inside his cell. But this doesn't mean he is happy that he is staying. There is a reason why he is staying. He doesn't wanna be there forever. There's no assurance that he can get out. But for sure, he's wishing every single day for the time to come that he'll be free. He can be sentenced for life imprisonment and that is the worst part of it. He is staying because he has to. If the warden asks him if he has plans to sneak out, obviously, the prisoner will say that he won't. But every single passing day, that prisoner will always find a way to get out.

My fish philosophy: Just like a fish who got hooked with a bait. The fish was after the worm, not the hook. The fish is risking to die and get hurt because that fish wants to have the worm. Just like with people, I know someone who got hooked with a bait. Even if he doesn't want to, he had to because he's afraid of losing the worm. You had the fish but he's not happy. He's dead. The fish had the option to swim away but... you have the bait. The fish was afraid the hook will take the bait away.

This is when love comes in. If there's love, you'll let the dog go to the other person and not think about the money you spent to feed him. If there's love, you do not imprison someone. If there's love, the hook shouldn't have the bait so that the fish can choose whether he wants to die or swim away.

People stay and people choose to stay with you not because they love you. There's always a reason behind. You can only test the true reason why people stay with you if you remove other factors like your money, if you have kids with him/her etc. People stay because they are afraid of losing. They are not afraid of losing you. They just do not want to part with the things that you'll be taking away.

Sometimes, you have to accept when that person is not truly happy with you. No matter how many questions you ask, you will receive an answer that you are hoping for but believe me, it's not the truth. It's easy to pretend. That person can pretend he loves you but deep down, love no longer sits in his heart. Set that person free. If that person claims that he doesn't want to go anywhere, it is because there is something that you'll be taking away. Think about it.

There is a place that we call home. You come home to the people you love. You come home to the people you are obligated to be with. When someone tells you "I'm coming home", there is no guarantee that he really wants to be with the person who will be waiting for him.

Some sisterly advice from me: Do not judge people who decide for themselves. Do not even react why they chose to do what they want to do. There is always a reason behind. I was raised not to judge people and what they do. It gives me a feeling of liberation. I don't even react. If you judge me for what I want, that's no longer my problem. Go lick your own ice cream. I don't even retaliate. I'll just look you in the eye and walk away. I know that the sweetest revenge is not doing anything...at all. Do not ever reach for someone who is ignoring you. Please. Stalk someone else. Don't give advices when that person doesn't even want to talk to you. Do not make-up stories unless you get paid for doing so.

When people choose to hold on, that is true love. You do not care what happens in the future. That is love because you are risking to get hurt. As what Eleanor Roosevelt said,

"Do what you feel in your heart is right for you'll be criticized anyway. Damned if you do, damned if you don't".

I'm fighting for what I feel even if it seems that I'm one warrior going to a battle against thousands of enemies. The only thing that protects me is the shield which is the person who is loving me now and the sword which is the love that I feel for that person. I may win or not. What's important is that the shield chose to protect me and we did fight together. If the shield got broken and is no longer there to protect me, that is the time I will walk away defeated. The thing is, I am fighting because the shield wanted me to and doesn't want me to walk away.

Yes, a lot of people do not choose their own happiness. But remember, things are not always what they seem. I'd rather have someone who loves me and keeps me in his heart from afar than have someone who is always with me, day in and day out, but I'm not in or anywhere around near his heart.

One White Chocolate Mocha Venti for Apple!

I've been doing a great favor for my friends eversince. I support them for whatever they want and that includes buying coffee so they can get the uber cool Starbucks planner. I was not that interested in the planner before so whenever they ask me to have coffee so they can put stickers to their stubs, I oblige. =)

This year's gonna be different though, coz I want one for myself this time. It's for a good cause too because aside from getting the planner, a donation will be given in your name to project SparkHope.

Now, all I'm asking you guys is to help me fill up my stub! hahaha... Come on, let's have coffee for pete's sake. ;-p I know you guys miss me and we need a little catching up to do. Right? Right. Call me. Text me. I'm yours for the taking. Yihaaa.

This is Heaven

When I was a kid, I used to believe that love was just a fairytale waiting to happen with every frog you kiss, every princess you have to rescue above a tower or perhaps the joy you get in opening every christmas present you receive. It's more of an excitement rather an affection.

Growing up.. I stopped believing in love because things never seem to work out the way I hoped or planned them to be. I gave up with the notion that love is just a heartache waiting to crush you. Looking back I learned the awful truth..

The truth that it's not the excitement you feel or the rush that exhilirates you with every new experience you encounter that makes it love but the magic that makes your heart skip a beat and frantically exert everything humanly possible to make that feeling stay. I never thought I'd be the one to recant all my beliefs in love...I never thought I will, that is till I met him..

Love is a trap. When it appears, we see only the light, not its shadow. I was drawn to him and I felt helpless but not regretful...

But love is much like a dam. If you allow a tiny crack to form through which only a trickle of water can pass, that trickle will quickly bring down the whole structure, and soon no one will be able to control the force of the current. For when those walls come down, then love takes over, nothing in our control can make everything sane.

I was the happiest when I'm with him but I was doing fine before he came. Now that we both know how heaven felt, no one can blame us if we decide to hold on.

Letters

I have always come across the quote,

"Love has its own time, its own seasons, and its own reasons for coming and going. You cannot bribe it or coerce it, or reason it into staying. You can only embrace it when it arrives and give it away when it comes to you."

It is a beautiful and very meaningful quote but now I fully understand its meaning. Love is something that we should cherish. Love is something that we shouldn't force. I have posted excerpts from Kent Nerburn's book in one of my previous blogs. But I didn't know that it has a complete version and one of my favorite quotes was included. This book was written in an attempt to guide his son into adulthood and it contains a powerful collection of essays. I'd like to share with you one of my favorite essays from this book.

This is from the book "Letters To My Son" by Kent Nerburn.

FALLING IN LOVE

It is a mystery why we fall in love.
It is a mystery how it happens.
It is a mystery when it comes.
It is a mystery why some love grows and it is a mystery why some love fails.

You can analyze this mystery and look for reasons and causes, but you will never do anymore than take the life out of the experience.

Just as life itself is more than the sum of the bones and muscles and electrical impulses in the body, love is more than the sum of the interests and attractions and commonalities that two people share.

And just as life is a gift that comes and goes in its own time, so too, the coming of love must be taken as an unfathomable gift that cannot be questioned in its ways.

Sometimes, hopefully at least once in your life - the gift of love will come to you in full flower, and you will take hold of it and celebrate it in all inexpressible beauty. This is the dream we all share.

More often, it will come and take hold of you, celebrate you for a brief moment, then move on.

When this happens to young people, they too often try to grasp the love and hold it to them, refusing to see that it is gift that is freely given and a gift that just as freely, moves away.

When they fall out of love, or the person they love feels the spirit of love leaving, they try desperately to reclaim the love that is lost rather than accepting the gift for what it was, then moving on.

They want answers where there are no answers. They want to know what is wrong in them that makes the other person no longer love them, or they try to get their lover to change, thinking that if some small things were different, love would bloom again.

They blame their circumstances and say that if they go far away and start a new life together, their love will grow.

They try anything to give meaning to what happened. But there is no meaning beyond the love itself, and until they accept its own mysterious ways, they live in a sea of misery.

You need to know this about love, and to accept it.
You need to treat what it brings you with kindness.

If you find yourself in love with someone who does not love you, be gentle with yourself. There is nothing wrong with you. Love just didn't choose to rest in the other person's heart.

If you find someone else in love with you and you don't love her, feel honoured that love came and called at your door, but gently refuse the gift you cannot return. Do not take advantage, do not cause pain. How you deal with love is how you deal with you, and all our hearts feel the same pains and joys, even if our lives and ways are different.

If you fall in love with another, and she falls in love with you, and then love chooses to leave, do not try to reclaim it or to assess blame. Let it go. There is a reason and there is a meaning. You will know in time.

Remember that you don't choose love. Love chooses you. All you can really do is accept it for all its mystery when it comes into your life. Feel the way it fills you to overflowing, then reach out and give it away.

Give it back to the person who brought it alive in you. Give it to others who deem it poor in spirit. Give it to the world around you in anyway you can. This is where many lovers go wrong. Having been so long without love, they understand love only as a need. They see their hearts as empty places that will be filled by love, and they begin to look at love as something that flows to them rather than from them.

The first blush of new love is filled to overflowing, but as their love cools, they revert to seeing their love as a need. They cease to be someone who generates love and instead becomes someone who seeks love. They forget that the secret of love is that it is a gift, and that it can be made to grow only by giving it away..

Remember this, and keep it to your heart. Love has its own time, its own seasons, and its own reasons for coming and going. You cannot bribe it or coerce it, or reason it into staying. You can only embrace it when it arrives and give it away when it comes to you. But if it choose to leave from your heart or from the heart of your lover, there is nothing you can do and there is nothing you should do.

Love always has been and always will be a mystery.
Be glad that it came to live for a moment in your life.

If you keep your heart open, it will come again.

Only You

Somebody's watching me
I know, but I can't see you
Somebody's reading what I have in mind
Someone is here beside me
I know, cause I can feel you
Someone is here, it's you...

(It's you) Whenever I'm alone I think of you
(Just you) Whatever comes along I think of you
(Just you) Only you

There was once a time
When I had all these confusions
I looked for answers
That has led me to more questions
But now my life has finally changed because of you
And now I believe it's true...

(It's you) Whenever I'm alone I think of you
(Just you) When all my friends are gone I think of you
(Just you) Only you

I won't let you go
You'll always stay inside me
Love will always grow
There will never be another

I won't let you go
You'll always stay inside me
Love will always grow
There will never be another

Somebody's watching every little thing I do
Someone is here to guide me through
Someone is here to tell me what is right or wrong
Someone is here, it's you...

(It's you) Whenever I'm alone I think of you
(Just you) Whatever comes along I think of you
(Just you) Only you

Flying Trapeze

There are times in life when we are in-between. They say that our life as we had known it has ended, a door has closed and we cannot go back. The past is the past. Yet the future? What will become of my future? I do not know. My future has become the great unknown. Can I have happiness? I am in-between past and future. I am like a trapeze artist who has just let go of the trapeze, somersaulting through mid air. Will I catch the new trapeze on the other side? When you are in this uncertain place, being patient and taking things one day at a time makes the present situation more tolerable and the future easier with the passage of time.

There are instances when a person should never look back. We should never look back on bad memories, bad attitudes and bad relationships. We can only look back on what is good. We can look back when you believe that you have left someone who wishes to go with you, not wanting to see you leave, not wanting to see you close the door. When you try to leave and that person holds on, you have the option not to go and ask that person why you should stay.

Stay. A word that means you are needed. A word that gives assurance.

Yes. I feel like a trapeze artist. I let go of the trapeze and it's too late for me to get the next trapeze. I am on the verge of falling down. But the trapeze that I've let go came swinging back. I have to save my life. I have to grab that trapeze.

The show must go on and I have to jump again to reach the other side. As a trapeze artist, people will expect me to swing to the other side. But I have the choice not to do that. Not to please other people. I have the choice to stay and just go down. They will boo me that's for sure. The thing is, I don't need their applause.

Two things that I learned:

Make your OWN decision.
Do not rush the decision.

We are responsible for making our own decisions (regardless of the opinions of friends, family, professionals and the general public), because we have to live with the choice we make. It takes strength and clear-headedness to assess the situation and do whatever is best for you. You have to decide on what you really want. You don't choose things because other people feel that it is the best option for you. You should follow what is in your heart. It is your life. If you follow what other people want, are they the ones who will suffer the consequences of your choice?

I have made a lot of decisions in my life. But I have no regrets. Whether it was right or wrong. I took full responsibilty for it. If I made a decision now and it ended as the wrong one, I'll admit the mistake and I will bounce back. I'm never afraid of committing mistakes. I'm not afraid of failure. That's how I will learn. That will make me a better person.

I choose how I feel. It is my God-given right to choose for myself. This includes choosing for myself how I will feel about anything, everything, all things.

I have made the choice and I am contented for the first time in my life.

Fate. Destiny. Serendipity.

I ran away. You ran after me.
I've hidden myself from you. You searched for me.
I disappeared. You looked for me.
I was lost. You showed me the way.
I pushed you away. You pulled me near.
Like a boomerang, I threw you away, yet you came back.

Somewhere in Time. Chances Are. What Dreams May Come. Serendipity. And so many movies which tackled lives of two people constantly in search for one another. Sometimes, all these small incidents in my life make me feel that movie and life make no big difference. All of us experience at one point in our lives when we meet someone who we feel so attached to. You're clueless as to why you are drawn to that person and vice versa. You both realize that you have a lot of things in common and if there are any differences in between, it still matches the other person's character. You jive. You complement each other. Earth and Sky. Night and Day. Yin and Yang. You feel meeting that person can lead to a happy ending. It can. But what if it's not the right time and everything's too late? That is when fate steps in. No matter how you try to avoid this person, even if you do everything to cut the connection, if you're meant to be together, fate will always find a way and will make all the roads lead you back to that person.

Fate has its way of bringing two people no matter what the distance, no matter what the odds are. So many stories of people meeting accidentally, losing communication, crossing paths again. Fate. Destiny. Serendipity. It's like an invisible string that connects two people. There will be people involved between them but still, these two people will unite, even after years has passed. It may not be the right time. It may not be the right place. But surely, you will only be the right person for each other. Regardless of the place. Regardless of the time.

I Fly Like a Moth to a Flame

Today when I saw you
I knew it was just like the first time
When you met my eyes I came close
And I felt like the first time

To hold back my fear
and feel you so near
I’ve never been this far before
To hold back my fear
and feel you so near
I’m scared of falling into deep this time

Do I need a reason to tell you why
I’m singing you this song
Do I need a reason to show you that
I know where I belong
Whenever I am weary I lean on
this feeling that I have
I am so much stronger now
Thankful, yes I am.

Today I’ll renounce them,
the doubts and the fears I’ve been nursing
I’ll fly like a moth to the flame
and I’ll feel like the first time

To hold back my fear
and let you come near
I’ve never been this far before
To hold back my fear
and let you come near
I’m afraid of losing... and still I go.